Lisa's Journal

The Door to Ones Soul
There are many reasons why people turn to drugs. Usually we do them to have a good time or to suppress depression. My reason was clean and simple; it was for cosmetic purposes, no more, no less. When you use drugs such as ecstasy, there are (like any drugs) negative and positive side effect. Yes of course, the depression afterwards, the lose of spinal fluids are all quite unpleasant. And yes, the feeling you receive when you are spinning around in bliss and pure happiness from the overdose of MDMA is incredible. But these were not the motivational reasons for my doing this pleasant drug. No, no, like I said, my reason was clean and simple. My first journey on this illegal and pshycodelic substance was full of fun and excitement. Everything was beautiful; the sensations I got from ones touch was orgasmic and my views on life seemed illuminating.
It was most definitely not pure ecstasy. It probably had LSD in it as well as other drugs I was not aware of at the time nor am I aware of now. I could stare at something such as a parked car for hours and be completely indulged by it. The car seemed extravagant. It was parked there, in solitude and it seemed beautiful. Just knowing that it was there, just standing there, wow, the thought seemed mind blowing.
The next day I came into school feeling low and tiered. Then someone came up to me and told me I had pretty eyes. They told me they looked like glass, they were glossy and pearly. I went to the bathroom during lunch to look in the mirror. They were right, my eyes looked gorgeous. They looked like the eyes characters in modern Japanese cartoons have, they were large and shiny. I knew of course that the reason behind this was obviously the ecstasy I had done the night prior.
About four people came up to me that day with the same response about my eyes.
‘Do you wear contacts?’ they asked me. Four days past and the self-esteem-boosting comments had stopped. So did the artificial gloss in my eyes. That night I went and popped another pill. Four days later, that’s right. I didn’t really want to. I felt like shit and my trip was not as good as the last. With each time you do a drug such as ecstasy your expectations for sensations rise, and your ability to satisfy yourself decreases with each time. That night was not a good trip. I had to chew it up, it made me want to vomit. The rest of the night I spend quite paranoid from being outside in the cold and having multiple cop cars drive by. At the end result, I felt like shit, but the next day my eyes were shiny again and my pupils were enormous. And again, it seemed as though compliments were flowing in and out about how beautiful my eyes looked. It felt great. I loved to sit in my room and stare into the mirror at my eyes for hours straight, they looked dazzling. This soon turned into a habit. I hated ecstasy, with a passion now, but lord oh mighty, did I look pretty.
I started taking half a pill of ecstasy before school started at least twice a week. It became a regular routine for me, like putting on clothes or makeup. A normal everyday factor people do to make themselves look good. Most of the time I was completely gone. Talking to people was useless. I didn’t care what the hell they said to me, and I myself had nothing to say to them in return. But my eyes were pretty and shiny, that was all that really mattered.
This extravaganza continued for a few weeks. Unfortunately, just like any cosmetics and clothing item ecstasy is quite the expensive piece of glory. Twenty-five bucks a pop. That’s right. My money ran out rapidly. I tried to smoke a lot of pot when I had no access to E but it did not exceed the same shiny effect.
Then I met John. He was not one to share my views on drugs, so for my sake I told him nothing. We went out on a date one night. Being a woman, I wanted to look my best. Two hours before we went out, I took a shower, picked out my clothes, put on my makeup oh-so-nicely, and yes, not to forget, ate another pill. This was only the second one that week; I took half on Monday and another on Thursday. If you do it as often as I have the effect it gives you is not at all as strong as it was in the beginning. I would have taken two, but only one was available at the time.
By the time he got to my house I was all set. I looked very nice and sophisticated, he said so himself. He took me to some restaurant which was unfortunate, you are not at all hungry while rolling on ecstasy. That night John and I seemed to have one of those deep and meaningful conversations; you know the ones where you really get to know each other. We looked each other in the eyes, he played with my hair. The ecstasy started going strong, his touch felt so incredible, I was ready to screw him right on the restaurant table. He continued staring into my eyes, and I assumed that this was because he thought they were pretty… I checked in the mirror before we have left, and they were indeed quite shiny and nice.
“Did you know that the eyes are the gateway to ones soul?” he asked me. I asked him what he saw in my eyes. He looked closer. My god, my pupils were so large I was surprised he did not fall right into them.
“ Emptiness.” He replied. Ouch. What a turn off when you’re rolling on E. I asked him how so. “Your eyes seem empty; they seem blank. Like a closed door, you can not look into them, because you do not let anyone open the door. But I see past that.” I asked him what he saw. “I see nothing. The gateway is locked and there is nothing on the other side.” Ouch. My eyes are pretty you asshole.
He drove me home and said goodbye. I went upstairs and smoked a joint. That night I looked into the mirror. My eyes were completely bloodshot. Fucking marijuana. What a useless plant. I looked long and hard. What was this door he spoke of? I saw no such thing as my soul. That crazy bastard.
For the next few weeks my financial status went pretty blank and I could only pop E once a week… or was it two weeks? The compliments had seized. My communication with most of society had devoured. Even with my closest friends. The only person I spoke to and had quite the intimate relationship with was my drug dealer.
And finally it happened. I could not take it any longer. After a sleepless night I decided I should pop the pill. This time, it was like drinking coffee. I thought it would wake me up, and maybe even give that little boost to my eyes so that they would look more alive. The worst trip of my life. I was alone in my room with the music blasting full volume. Suddenly my room started to spin. At first gradually, but then it started gaining speed until it was out of control. I could not balance myself. I lay on the bed and held on to the sides for the sake of me not dropping to the floor. The music in my ears was smashing against my eardrums and my brain was pounding up and down to the beat of the bass. I was getting pretty carsick. I never liked merry-go-rounds, but this was ridiculous. We were going full speed, my god make it stop. He did. Everything went blank. Empty. Holy shit, where was I? I was lost in a sea of black, and did not know how to find my safe way home. I began to have random flashbacks of various events occurring throughout my life. I was talking to my guidance councilor… then my mother… then throwing sticks at my dog. What an insane experience.
I opened my eyes and was relived to know that I was lying in my bed. Was I dead? was this another hallucination? I slowly lay my feet upon the floor and tried to get up. During my trip to the bathroom I occasionally had a few black outs but each only lasted for five seconds so in about seven minuets I was finally able to cramp myself in. I looked in the mirror. My oh my, I had no iris. My eyes were like a puddle of darkness, all I could see was my pupil. This scared the shit out of me. I did not know who I was looking at and even if I did, I sure as hell did not wish to admit that I was looking at myself. My face started flashing before me in the mirror, but I was so gone I could not close my eyes nor blink. I stared into one point, and one point only. My eyes. Jesus Christ, did I look like this everyday?
They told me the eyes are the door to a person’s soul. I say the eyes are a gateway to hell. My career with ecstasy was coming to default. After my last trip I could not take it anymore. I was disappointed, contact lenses do not create the same effect on my eyes as the E did.
A few weeks after my tragic break up with this wonderful drug, I saw John again. Sober. Haha, the word seemed funny. So-ber. Two vowels. Weed doesn’t count as a drug. It is but a simple plant except you need a small bottle of Visine when smoking it. We went to the same restaurant, and I was starved. Weed makes you hungry. That’s why all stoners are fat. John stroked my hair. How aggravating. What the hell was he doing, why was he even touching me? If I were on E it would feel much better. Why did I retire? I should have been a professional ecstasy user and received millions. Weed makes you have stupid thoughts. I told myself to shut up.
De-ja-vu all over again, he was staring into my eyes. I asked him what he saw. “Your flame is gone, and you’re still empty.” He replied. Asshole, I’ll go pop a pill right now. I asked him what flame. He told me that before I was empty but at least I had a bright flicker in my eye that apparently, made me look alive.
That night he drove me home and we said goodbye. Then I smoked a joint. My lord, was I high. What a stupid and useless feeling. I went to bed and had a flashback. Even when you have not done ecstasy in a while you get random flashbacks that almost make you feel like you are rolling again. Those feel nice, they don’t last too long though. Ah, the memories, I missed my friend E. I got up and looked into the mirror. My pupils were huge. They told me that eyes were a door to ones soul. I say the eyes are the gateway to hell. I did not wish to open it whether there was nothing there or not. The larger my pupil was the closer I was to my soul. What the fuck? Who would want to be in touch with their soul at such an early age? I told myself that unless I wanted to discover myself as a person I would never do E again. I have not done it since, the compliments had stopped and the artificial gloss in my eyes gradually faded. As you grow older you stop caring about your looks as much as you did when you were young. Fuck my eyes. And self-discovery. Doesn’t cocaine make you loose weight?

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